I won’t disclose personal infos apart from essentials. I’m a woman in my late twenties and I have a girlfriend a little younger than me. We live in different cities and I used to travel to her city, spending money and a lot of time just to stay a few days. It was a sacrifice I was happy to make.

I’m ace. She’s not. She always said she was okay with it and I didn’t even think about the fact that she could be lying. I had even told her that if she felt that need she could have literally gone with another person. She always refused so I thought nothing was really wrong with it.

I have some issues, mentally. She always respected them and even tried to help. It was all okay, I didn’t think anything wrong or bad about her. This morning I was cleaning the house and found an open small notebook with what I thought were financial notes since there were also some receipts attached on it. I picked it up to put it in the bookshelf and my eyes just read a few words.

I was confused at first, then I realised it was a diary. I should have immediately put it away, but unfortunately we humans are too curious, especially after the only sentence I had read.

I just found out she thinks so bad about me I can’t even describe it. In it she called me disrespectful of her feelings and needs and even stupid. I couldn’t stop reading. It said that she expects us to fight really soon and that’s she’s preparing everything in advance just to have the best over me.

She mocked my mental troubles, saying that I don’t recognise or acknowledge all the effort she’s putting into making me feel better (??). She then described a few events that happened this time I visited. I really thought she had been happy about them too, but everything was crooked and distorted. She called me selfish, stupid again, and finally, she wrote that she can’t stand the fact that I’m ace, that I’m ruining the relationship and that she wants to end it one day when she’ll get tired.

I can’t leave right now. She’s out, I’m waiting because this afternoon we should go to an event she asked me to go to and I booked the ticket already. I’ll have to depart tomorrow back to my city. I don’t even have the mental energy to confront her. I’m so sad, hopeless and I feel betrayed to the point I’m disgusted by her.

I’ll go to the event as if nothing’s changed. It’ll take so much effort from me, just because I’d do everything to avoid confrontation even though I’d love so much to scream at her face that she’s a f*king heartless liar. I never thought of her to be able to even think things like that.

It was my mistake to keep reading, it’s not something to do, violate someone’s private thoughts… But now I’m wondering how much more time and energy and money I would have continued to put into this if I didn’t know just to wait for her to leave me when she “gets tired”.

So, I’ll endure today, I’ll depart tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow I’ll tell her. I’ll tell her I’ve seen what she really thinks of me in a single long and extremely detailed text. I may be a shitty person, yes, but I feel stabbed. I’m not bleeding, not crying. It’s as if all my emotions got turned off. Disappeared into nothing. It’s not even grief or “what could have been”. I don’t care, I don’t want to find out. If I could I’d go away right now.

I literally created this account just to confess this. It’ll be my side account anyways. I’d rather tell this to the whole Reddit instead of writing insults on a diary. I might be a monster, but I don’t blame myself. I’m glad I found out the truth before it would have been too late. I’m glad I know now. Sometimes knowing hurts more than ignorance, but I was too blissful in my ignorance to even imagine what I’ve read. I didn’t even report it whole because of too many details that could be too revelatory, but I’ll just add she already has someone else in mind, after me.

I can’t believe it even as I write it. I guess that’s my confession if I can call it one. The thing that I wanted to confess was being a dick for reading her private stuff, but damn if I’m glad I did.

[Update] after reading the comments I realised it might be a lot better if I just disappeared without a word. Blocked her and left her with her own speculations. Thanks to all the kind people. I honestly just wanted to burst out in a calm way, writing anonymously just to get it out of my head, but openly to the world. You helped a lot.

[Update 2] I’m at the festival. Trying to chat with random people. She seems annoyed, I’m trying not to think about it, I’m really uncomfortable as she’s acting loving and all. I feel almost sick.

[Update 3 (probably the last)] it’s the next morning and I slept on the sofa. She was really weirded out, but I insisted and eventually she gave up. She asked me to wake her up immediately as I did, but I’m awake and not gonna do it. I’ll spend as much time alone as I can. the train is in 7 hours. All I’m thinking is that I’m already out of it, mentally. I just have to pack, and leave. Thanks everyone for the nice comments, idk what’s wrong with the really mean ones, but I’m not even surprised, given the circumstances. I’ll be back to my house by evening and I’ll just… Disappear I guess. Without anything to say because honestly I don’t even know what to say. I wouldn’t call her stupid, selfish, unworthy and all the things she thinks about me. I honestly only would call her pitiful. (Yesterday at the festival she prayed for me to buy her a thing she said she wanted so much but didn’t have enough money for and I only accepted to give her the amount she missed. Obviously she hid the wallet before saying she had barely 1/3 of the amount. I did it anyway, idk why. I’m really really stupid but I somehow still felt something? Some comments said diaries are sometimes just random thoughts and I wanted to believe that, but the others kinda opened my eyes a lot. I’ll definitely search for an ace person if I ever want to engage with anyone else in the future. Or honestly, how do I expose a backstabber before finding out in this way??)